So Dear Teodora,

A few weeks ago, a friend and classmate reached out with a gentle nudge encouraging me to go back to the world of writing.  She said “I love how and what you write”.  Alongside her encouragement she also offered tips on those moments when inspiration seems out of reach.  

The truth is that I have so many drafts of essays, articles and just heartfelt musings longing for an audience.  Yet, they remain unpublished, held back by some little whispers of self-doubt that perhaps you, my cherished readers, might detect between the lines. In due time, a time whose arrival is still unknown to me, I plan to share these fragments of my journey. Not for fun sake, but in the hope that they might light a spark within someone else. 

Reflecting on my friend's curiosity, she asked me a thought provoking question: “how do you wished to be loved?” She said she had seen a video of a girl asking her followers how they would like their partners to love them or how they would like to be loved in general.  

Love, to me, is a delicate tapestry, woven with different colors of unpredicted roller coaster emotions. A “weird” feeling that leaves my heart buoyant yet brittle.  I am writer at heart. I love to channel my deepest sentiments and reflections through the written word. Most often, I refrain from direct conversation, opting instead to send you my thoughts in letters, detailed letters hoping that you’ll read them, absorb them, and perhaps seek clarity on points that do not resonate with you. This method, an inherent part of my being, may not align with everyone's preferences, but it has always been my way of connecting especially when I want to express an important feeling, be it happiness, love, fear, or even discontent.  

So, with no further talk, let's get into the essence of my message. 

Below is one among the many letters I wrote some years ago—a candid outpouring of my soul. While it offers a glimpse into the way I love, (emphasis on the glimpse) I’m still exploring what it means to be on the receiving end of that love. I am not sure if this describes how I want to be loved. It reads: 

13 Feb 202* 

Babe, I am also wrong for making my pride and anger overshadow and stop me from calling you, I have been here staring at my phone and looking at all the pictures we took last holiday.  

We are both at fault.  

First, you don't have to be shy when it comes to your health with me. You are my priority, and I won't be able to do anything if something goes wrong with you.  

Why am I your girlfriend if you are shy to tell me what you going through, we kiss, we hug and we make love, your body is important to me, and I think you should be able to confide in me as I will do to you?  

I love you and I will be with you through whatever it is, but please don't go on Google and start searching. Let's go for the appointment tomorrow and do the check-up and see what the doctor says.  

Hopefully, it's not cancer. I'll pray for you. But remember whatever it is, we will get through it together.  Please be open with me and sincere with me. I just want to be there for you.  

I want to stand by you 

Support you 

Love you  

Be there for you. 

Build our future together  

Pray together 

Work together  

Eat together  

Sleep together  

And make love together  

And eventually have kids together  

But all this is going to be possible only if we are true to ourselves, be selfless and help each other out. Genuinely and sincerely. I want you to feel loved as I also wish to feel loved, and I cannot do this on my own. 

Hold my hands and let's make this work. 

I love you so much. 

I couldn't sleep last night and the same thing this night I am here worried about you. 

In as much as I want you to be a man for me, be there for me, say your feelings for me and state what's on your mind, as I want you to be there, I also want to reciprocate similar energy.  

I love you, stop pushing me away, it breaks my heart and the fact that am in love with you scares the fuck out of me. I am sad when you don't reply to me, I feel my heart shedding to pieces when you just ignore my complaints or make them look irrelevant and it hurts so bad when I cannot talk to you about things or when you just don't give me attention.  

I love you so much so, please don't do that to me. 

I do love you.  

Don't worry. It's not what you think, but let's get medical guidance and advice from the experts.  I loved you, I love you and I will love you. 

Baci amore Mio 

Have you finished reading? That was my response to a message I had received after an argument, I guess it was obvious for you.  It’s a message I composed with great care and sent to someone dear to me. While it may not explicitly say how I wish to be loved, it certainly captures what I yearn to share with the one I cherish. Often, the way we express love mirrors our own desires for affection. So, Teodora, while I may not have all the answers now, this is my heartfelt response. My quest to understand love—its meaning and how I wish to experience it from a partner, a friend, or even a colleague—continues. Until I find those answers, I hope you’ll accept this as a token of my journey. 

And to you, my readers, have you thought of how you want to be loved? What feelings you look for? It’s okay if these thoughts are new to you; there’s ample time to explore them. 

If you’ve stayed with me this far, I invite you to read my next story on Binge-eating. 

Wishing you ❤️and 💡 as you go about your day. 

Signing off with love, 

Hannah Grace Imordi

Photo Credit: Nora's drawing